A letter to my Aunt regarding my brother's wedding

From my brain

Aunt M: Well, tomorrow will be four weeks since I replied back to Dad's e-mail. This past Sunday was three weeks since I wrote J & J. I wanted to give them time to reply back to me before I sent anything to you...but I've gotten nothing back.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching over the last month. My head and heart has been a jumble since the wedding and getting nothing back from either Dad or J & J hasn't made it any better. I wanted to write you specifically since you'd be the best at explaining things to Nana for me. That, and the fact that out of anyone, I would hope I would get *something* in return.

There's a big part of me that feels disconnected lately. For weeks (months?) leading up to the wedding I had wondered, "What if M and N both are in the wedding, how are you going to feel about that?" I'll tell you right now, there was a very strong feeling to say, "Screw it, I'm not even gonna go." However, I didn't find out the fact that M and N were in the wedding -- leaving me out -- until you told {Wifey} and I Friday night at Nana's. At that point, it was a bit late to do anything but just smile and go to the wedding.

I talked to Dad about my feelings about this. I even tried to say, "Okay, what if say Uncle J got married again. All of your other siblings were in the wedding -- all of them -- except you." He didn't get it. He didn't see anything wrong with it. He simply said it wasn't intentional, it didn't probably even cross their minds, and it's their wedding. "Your brother flew a thousand miles to come down to your wedding, but you didn't include him in yours, and you're upset you're not in his?"

I pulled myself together and went to the wedding then. I honestly was fine through the wedding. Got a little jittery through one of the picture shots when J & J, M, N, and Dad were all up there, a picture got shot, and then J exlclaims, "Hey, we're missing a brother!" I put on my best smile and stood up there for a picture, but I was feeling pretty crappy inside. There was this voice saying, "Hey...you're an afterthought."

After a couple drinks at the reception hall, I still wasn't doing the greatest, and I was sinking lower (still not sure if the drinks were helping or hurting me). By the time the wedding party had arrived but were still waiting outside the hall, I was getting another drink. I looked over and saw J with his arms around M and N getting that "I'm at my wedding with my brothers" picture. It hit me solidly: I'm not in that picture...both literally and figuratively.

After dinner, we excused ourselves from the reception to J & J (and Dad), clumsily saying I wasn't feeling well (which wasn't too far from the truth). The car ride home was rough, and most of the night sitting at Dad's house wasn't much better. Regardless, I resigned to leave the next morning. N wasn't going to be at Nana's. J & J both said they weren't going to go either. What was going to get resolved?

One point here: Dad tried to make me feel guilty by saying I disrespected Nana by not coming over. I spent time talking to Nana Friday. I sat with her in the church. I rode with her in the car to the hall. I've only spent more time with Nana during a visit when I've actually stayed at her house, so his statement is incorrect. If Nana *does* feel that way, I am sorry and can only hope she can forgive me.

Dad wrote a very angry email to me the Tuesday after the wedding. Where I don't feel that I disrespected Nana, I probably did disrespect him in the way I left. My head was NOT in a good place at that point however, and leaving was the only thing I could do at the time. {Edit: I really wanted to make a dig here and say my feelings that I wanted to tell Dad, "Well, where do you think I learned how to leave?", but discression won out in his e-mail, and it won in the one to Aunt M.}

I'm not throwing some sort of hissy fit over not being included in the wedding. I'm not trying to be the center of attention. I'm just trying to mentally cope with the fact that I didn't have the relationship that I thought I had with my brother(s). They have a bond that I will NEVER have with any of them. Sure, none of us refer to each other as "half-brother", but the fact remains we never REALLY grew up together. We grew up very much apart. If we had had that relationship, either I would have gotten included in the wedding, or at the very least it would have been a forethought to say, "Hey You, just so you know, M and N are going to be the wedding. Don't feel offended you're not, okay?"

For all I know right now, I'm the darkest of family black sheeps. I feel that way with the lack of response from Dad and John & Jen. If I don't get a response from you...that will confirm it.

Love, Me.