December 24

From my brain

1 2008
- 1.1 Me 23:17, 24 December 2008 (EST)
2 2006
- 2.1 Me 10:31, 24 December 2006 (EST)

2008

Me 23:17, 24 December 2008 (EST)

At just over seven and a half, TheBoy is at the age he just asks questions that seem to come out of nowhere, and having a fairly large vocabulary for his age (per the teachers), they're often doozies. Take for instance the fact that as we were walking around trying to sell popcorn and he asks, "Dad...what does gay mean?" (I said it wasn't the time to talk about it, and we would talk later more about it. Mommy ended up having to field it...marvelously mind you.)

That question however was easy. Tonight, I heard him ask a question much, much harder by far. He's apparently been asking Wifey the same question all week. Today was the first time he asked me:

"Dad, is Santa Claus real?"

For a second, it kinda took me back. I recovered and replied...

Well...why do you ask?

"I dunno, I just wondered. Is he real?"

{Summoning my inner-shrink}: What do you think?

{A moment of pause} "Yeah, I think he is."

{I smiled.} Good.

And that was the end of it...for tonight...this year(?). It's the question that every parent dreads. None of us want to hear it at any age really, but it comes to all of us at some point I guess. I just wish it wasn't so soon.

Here, today, December 24, 2008, Me, a 33-year old man, husband, and father of two...I still believe in Santa. I don't have a chimney that some fat guy in a red suit slides down. I don't hear sleigh bells on my rooftop. I don't try to get my head around the temporal-spacial physics necessary to hit all the Christian children of the world in a single night.

I just believe.

St. Nicholas of Myra

It's not even that I believe in him in the way that a good Orthodox parishioner should. That the saints are are in heaven, praying for us, and interceding on our behalf. I do believe in that too, but there's that other big part of me that's even stronger.

My brother (younger by 2 years) is the one that broke Santa for me as a child. I think I might have been almost 10 at that point, and he said, "I don't think there's really as Santa Claus. I mean look at this map. North Pole...no land! How can he live at the North Pole when there's no land there?" Never mind the fact that it's frozen ice cap, but it was a kick to the head for me. ZOMG...No Santa. Damn.

I was able to weather through it without crying or complete shock. I suppose being a bit older / mature hitting the realization helped. I don't even remember having a conversation with my mother that, "No, I don't believe in Santa any more, Mom." I think it was just unspoken and a wink and a nod that I knew. For years later, I still got presents marked, "From: Santa". Sure, I knew my mother put the presents there long after I slept, but still, even in my way-late teen years, I'd kick open her door in the wee hours of the morning and shout, "Santa came! Santa came!"

So, that's still now the problem: There's a huge kid inside (a much less-huge version since last year) of Me that still believes in Santa. I don't mean the spirit of Santa Claus, but I mean that I still believe in Santa in a pretty big way.

I just believe.

Take for instance, that until Garth Brooks put out his Christmas album with a cover of Buck Owens' "Santa Looked a Lot Like Daddy", I honestly had never fully grasped the true meaning of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus". Laugh if you will, but I had taken it literally all my life. It never occurred to me that *gasp* that was really "Daddy" in a Santa suit.

Santa doesn't come down my chimney any more. He doesn't even come for my children. I've never seen tracks in the snow. I don't know how he works in the least. Sure this all sounds weird and naive, but it's all just a part of who I am.

I hope that TheBoy still believes in Santa -- at least in the way that kids do -- for a long time. At the very least, I hope he holds on to it long enough so that he can help his sister to believe too for a few more years until she's ready. I can't say he'd ever get to the same point I am in believing though. I don't really know if anyone could.

People see me as childish at times. Just plain immature even at other times. Maybe all that childishness and slight (?) immaturity is that for the benefit of some child (of whatever age), for that parent who's just trying to make ends meet for Christmas, or for that person just trying to cope through the holidays, deep in my heart of hearts I believe that Santa...is real.

I just believe.

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