December 8
From my brain
Contents |
2009
Me 00:22, 8 December 2009 (EST)
As a completely superfluous note to a post from three years ago, Princess has taken to sleeping on the floor for the last several weeks. The bed has to stay in the room still because, "Mommy likes to sit on it when she sits with me while I go to sleep.", but she has no desire to actually sleep in it herself.
Also...she still picks out her pajamas. And her regular clothes. Don't even think about Sunday clothes!
2008
Me 15:12, 8 December 2008 (EST)
- Setting: A small Orthodox mission church in the suburbs.
- A man, his wife, and two small children sit during the early pre-service prayers as the rest of the parishioners gather. The husband is a Boy Scout leader, and having just received the annual shipment of popcorn, he has been busy the entire week trying to sort it all out. Today at church, there is no coffee hour following service, so he needs to try to get in touch with a couple of the parishioners to let them know he'll bring their orders next week.
- HUSBAND {to Wife, whispers}: Hey, Nico just came in. I'm gonna pop over before service starts to let him know we'll bring his popcorn next week. I don't want to miss him after service.
- WIFE: OK, that's fine.
- {Husband walks over to Nico who is sitting the far back pew of the church, and then taps him on the shoulder.}
- HUSBAND {whispers}: Hey Nico, I just wanted to let you know before service that I'll bring your popcorn next week. It just came in. I don't remember if it was $14 or $17, but either way, I'll bring it in next week. Maybe I'll email through Father to update everyone...
- NICO {half turning}: Do mind, can we speak about this after service?
- HUSBAND {abashed}:" I'm sorry. Sure, that's fine we can talk about it...
- {Nico sits upright fully and suddenly.}
- NICO: You know what? I'm highly offended!
- HUSBAND {stunned}: I...I...I'm sorry...
- NICO: Let's go outside and talk about this!
- {Nico stands, grabs his coat, and whirls around, heading for the door to the entrance area. Husband follows, still stunned.}
- NICO {in the entrance}: I'm disgusted that you would bring this up here, and I'm tired of you using church for commercial ventures! I'm done!
- {Nico storms out the door. Husband follows.}
- HUSBAND: Nico! Please wait!
- {Husband follows Nico out the door.}
- HUSBAND: Nico! Please, forgive me, I'm sorry I don't what else to say...
- {Nico continues charging forward, nearly bowling over the Hank Family who are walking along the building to come in.}
- HUSBAND: Nico! I'm sorry!
- {Nico, now at the far corner of the building, turns around.}
- NICO: I am sick and tired of this! For an entire year I've put up with you doing things like this and I'm tired of it! I curse you!
- MR. HANK: What was that all about???
- HUSBAND {flabbergasted}: I...I don't know. I stopped to tell him during Matins that the Boy Scout popcorn was in, and how much it cost. He rounded on me that he was offended and...then he stormed out of the church. I...I...I don't know what to say.
- MR. HANK: That seems like a bit of an overreaction don't you think?
- HUSBAND: I don't know.
Don't see this as me being flippant. I'm not making light of this in the last by throwing it up there as a screenplay. It's how I saw it my head. Over. And Over. I sat in the crying room (that's set aside for the parents to change diapers or deal with unruly children), and just went catatonic. I could not bring myself to go back into service after that.
It was one thing to offend him, so I apologized as best I could. It grew worse when he was so offended that he felt the need to walk out of service and just go home. The clincher was to turn around and shout, "I curse you!" Sure, he's pretty old-world in many respects, but he might as well shot me in the face.
Was I wrong to do it? Am I a horrible person for bringing this up in a church? Was I trying to rationalize my own behavior saying that no, this is just a charity I'm doing, it's not a commercial business, and "it's OK". I wondered if I was like the money changers in the Gospel, conducting business in a church.
I broke. The better part of a year of being demonized following actions where I thought my intentions were sincere came to a head. From issues with Callistana through events leading up to, including, and following the guild split, I turned inward with this. I know I still have some fabulous friends in the game, and I mean no disrespect to them, but a certain amount of all the vehemence I received can be dismissed by, "Those people don't know me. They're just online people playing a game." This was different; it was a real person, in the flesh, someone I've have coffee hour with every week. Shattering.
Friends have tried to say with all the mess of this summer that "It's really them, not you that have the problem," or "It's their perceptions that are off," but at some point, I had to look at myself or risk an inflated ego. When a host of people don't like the tact of a discussion, they don't like the direction the organization is headed, and they don't like the feelings that are being fostered, it turns back on the head of that organization. There is really only so much "You're wrong!", "How can you be so insensitive?", and "I'm offended!" that one person can take before feeling useless or the demon I was being made out to be. Perhaps there really was no dismissing things...perhaps it really was me. What is it though that can generate such pure and utter vitriol hatred? What is wrong with Me as a human being and individual?
Again, all that culminated with "I curse you!". I couldn't think. I couldn't move. I certainly couldn't actually sit in service. I was already near tears (and later moved into them). I didn't want to have to deal with, "Mom, why is Daddy crying?" So I just stayed there until Communion, and then somehow managed to stay in the seat after saying, "Daddy didn't feel well, so he stayed out back."
After service was all said and done, I waited patiently to speak with Father, recounting the whole story. Father really had his work cut out for him to try to talk to me. He at least provided the words of comfort that he didn't feel I had done anything wrong. He said that Nico does have some very strong, forceful beliefs on certain things, and that Nico had even had words with Father at one point where Nico didn't return to church for almost a year. He's lashed out like this before, and even joked about it the night before at Vespers that "My combination of Italian and Greek ancestry ends up making me far more passionate than is necessary." He also said that Nico is known for calming / cooling down, and perhaps will come around.
I won't say I was 100% after talking to Father. I will say though that I at least felt better. He made one complete suggestion, and it's the only thing I can work with, "Pray that in addition for your own understanding and forgiveness of him, that you likewise pray that he forgives you. Sometimes, even though we don't feel we've done something wrong, we still have to ask for that forgiveness. You've clearly made that attempt. Pray that it will be accepted in time."
I'm not even 100% now. It's taken the better part of the day (in between meetings) for me to even write this post. I've been distracted on phone calls with people because I was writing this and been too "in the moment". I had to get it out though in order to move on. I was just moving on after the summer fiasco. This was just a big much of a blow all at once.
Me 17:00, 8 December 2008 (EST)
To contrast all this, there was some rather good news on Saturday. Five weeks later, TheBoy and I passed our green belt tests. :)
First was punching. Middle punches, then double middle punches. Easy sauce. He nailed it and I did too.
Second, the forms. I think I was too anxious, and moved through mine too quickly. I nailed it...but TheBoy got lost. They told me to not pay attention to what he was doing, but I did that too well I guess. The second time, they had him walk through it once, then the third time, I did it too with the advice to slow it down. He still didn't quite have it, but they walked him through it again, and he got it all and beamed.
Third...free fighting. We'd only done this once before, and actually we both loved it. Seriously good work out and utilizes your whole body. In our school, there's no deliberate contact in the sparring, so you have to pull your punches and kicks. IMO, that adds a level of difficulty rather than just letting things land. You just have to keep fighting though until they say stop. TheBoy and his partner got a bit of additional instruction as Grand Master told him how to do some combination of kicks -- side kick, then turning side kick, then roundhouse, then mix things up more. He did well, and Grand Master complimented me as well.
The fourth step was the board breaking. I had to break two, TheBoy only had one. Both needed to be done with a sidekick, and I know my right leg is stronger and more accurate, so I did it with my left. One...miss. Two, "Sorry about your fingers!" Three, CRACK! TheBoy had a bit more difficulty. That, and the fact that in his his sidekick, he "hops" rather than stepping deeply (something he inherited from my poor form...which I got corrected on between attempts 2 and 3). Ten kicks at the first board and they changed it. One. Two...CRACK!
I've never seen him smile that big before. And, to be honest, I don't think I have in awhile either. :)
2004
Me 00:52, 08, December 2004 (EDT)
My brain...she is dead. That is all (more when my gray matter returns from it's fluidic state).
