Epilogue
From my brain
This needs to be split apart.
1-14-95
I suppose the best thing to do is just to start writing. Working endlessly on the fine tuning of the symbol, or setting up the page for this book, is not helping the completion of it. Why do I keep putting it off? Is it fear? Am I being truly honest with myself if I say that I'm not afraid of finishing this book? It scares the hell out of me now. In two months it will have been a year since I gave up my "set future" and set off into the Unknown. I wish I could still grasp hold of the feeling I held onto so strongly then. It seemed like there was nothing to care about and that everything would turn out in the end. In reading over my old notebook, I said that if was still in the same situation a year from then I wouldn't care because writing was the love of my life. I was so wrong. I miss having someone by my side to push me onward. I need someone to do that. This career is so solitary, I need someone to "not be solitary with". No matter how closely I hold the pages that I print, I know that they can never hold me back. In the last two years, I have fallen in love, noticed an outside interest, had my heart broken, went back after the outside interest and been crushed, and recently found another, but that seems a lost chance in my past as well. I can laugh and joke around others and say that it doesn't matter, "The hapless romantic rides again," but it really does hurt. I'm not one to go it alone for the rest of my life and I don't think that anyone should anyhow. Some can do that and live the life of a hermit but not me. Every time I think, "Maybe this is it. She could be the one that I've been looking for." It never is. I suppose that everyone is looking for them, and are never truly happen until they are found. She has to be out there somewhere, but I've nearly given up looking. I've look for her so hard in the past, and its gotten me nowhere. I give my friends the advice, "You have to just let love hit you in the face. Don't go looking, because you'll never find it like that." Love doesn't ever look for us. We have to go after it. I just don't like getting shot down as often as I do. For a brief moment, all things in the world are clear and certain and my hopes rise up a little. Then, for some unexplainable reason, the roller coaster starts. I have one day/morning/afternoon/week where everything seems to be fine -- I'm making a good start of a foundation in a relationship. Then one little bad thing happens and I chastise myself for it for about...oh...the rest of my life. I'm too hard on myself. I let things get to me, but never things that other people have done. The only things I keep mulling over and over in my head are the things that I've done wrong. So many people have wronged me in the past, but I've just overlooked it. I guess that's just the kind of person I am. Forgiving. Not really, now that I think about it. There have been many people in my past, I haven't truly forgiven for what they have done to me and I don't think I can truly accomplish forgiving most of them. Terra won't speak to me, but then again, maybe I tried talking to her too soon. Jill, well, her I'm not even in contact with anymore. Cindy probably thinks that I hate her, but there may be a part of me that still does for the things she said. Erin most likely thinks that I'm mad at her for whatever reason too. That's the problem in and of itself. I'm always trying to think what they are thinking and not just worring about what is going on with me. I'm worrying about what is going to happen instead of what is happening now. With every relationship I worry about whether of not I'm going to get another broken heart. I fear each time I'm going to lose another part of myself to yet another person. I fear that day when I've given away the last part of my heart to the very last person and there will be nothing left of me to give away. Just a cold empty shell. I never want to turn into that person. I have so much heart to give away and I keep giving it away freely to anyone who walks past. I can tell myself to stop doing that but then I wouldn't be true to myself. I am a broken heart in mind, body, and soul. Sometimes I think that that is all I was put on this Earth to do. My job was just to remain here awhile and give a brief moment of happiness to every heart I can touch before I die. I'm trying hard to do that, but there are too many hearts out there and I'm getting tired. Right now I'd just like to find one person who won't keep my heart and run away with it before I can take it back. Are there any women out there like that? They say that they are looking for the perfect guy, but in reality they aren't. Every woman latches on to the first guy that meets all of the physical aspects they were looking for and hopes that he just might come close to their "Perfect Guy." The problem lies in the fact that he isn't out there. The handsome/beautiful people are rarely the caring and considerate ones. Of all of the beautiful people in this world, I have yet to find one that is truly kind and... I can't even complete that sentance because its not true. I know that my life has been touched by many that are both beautiful and kind, but its been by my own foolish actions where I've decided that they were unkind to me. Lets work backward. With Erin firstly. I moved too fast, too soon, to muchly. In my joking, I pushed her away when she thought I was serious. I was controlling before I had the reason or right to control her. I would never have the right to do that; with any woman for that matter. In time, perhaps things will change, but it is doubtful. I cannot say that we are too different because I still don't know her enough to say that that we are the same. On to Cindy. Cindy was an entirely different matter. I could say that perhaps it was somewhat of a mere physical attraction at first, compounded by the fact and hobby of "Andy-bashing." (And as far as that matter goes, I regret that more than anything I've done. It was wrong to do for the most part, but very wrong considering the frequency.) We talked about him far too much, and when that part of our conversations died out, oddly enought we had nothing to talk about. We truly had little in common. Perhaps the board does strange things to people in creating the image in peoples minds that others are not what they seem. More to the point, it causes you to seem them to be what they are not. She was a good friend, but when she insulted me, it hurt badly. I told her that I forgave her, and at that time it was true. As the days and hours passed by, I realized that it was a lie. I made it sound like I had forgave and forgotten (at least forgave, only God can truly forget), but in reality I had done neither. I realized that the last time we spoke on the phone. We lived, and were happy, in two worlds. I had little interest in the affairs of her friends, and I don't think she understood that. I never said good bye to her on the phone. Before that was Jill. Jill was beautiful to say the least, and even so, I think I overlooked that with respect to myself (to my friends I acted like a typical guy). We connected on a far more mental level than anything else. She appreciated my work in writings, and by that alone, I became interested with her. It was there I found the connection. She pushed the book to continue to be written and re- written over and over again. Without her in those early days, I don't think I would have even gotten as far as I did. With her, I don't know what truly happened. Perhaps things with her were truly best left as friends and nothing more. We did share common ground, but yet there was nothing at all there on either part. Things just fizzled over time and now that I have not seen her, I doubt I would ever feel anything beyond an old aquaintance with her. Now comes to the time for the most difficult part. The part that caused me to do this in reverse in the first place. My first true broken heart. Terra meant everthing in the world to me and I could not have breathed a single day without her. At least that is what I thought back then. I hope and pray that Christmas has not forever been ruined in my heart with her breaking up with me at that time. It was a very bad course of action, but then again, I was not free of blame myself. Perhaps it was only coincidence that things should happen so near to that time. Then again, my life has seem to take a turn downhill since then. But perhaps that is my own doing. I let things get to me about her and the things I had done and got reckless and careless with my life. That should never have happened and I should never have let it. Money turned to water and spilled out on the ground. My ambitions were put to the wayside for having fun in its place. I became frivolous and foolish. My money nearly gone, I got a job which eventually cause a recurrent injury that will be with me all my life. My summer was eaten up in a blur travel and poverty which I can scarecly remember. I am at a loss of words for now. I may return to this file again when my heart is once again troubled by the things lingering in my mind.
Good bye for now.
1-15-95
I think that if I can work in the time to write in here each and every night, something may come out of me that is productive for Symbols. If I can remove all of the distractions and regrets from inside of my head, perhaps I can concentrate on the other things in my life. This is like therapy really. I feel as if I'm actually talking to someone who relates to my own way of thinking. Someone unjudgemental; someone logical; someone who listens without telling me their problems in return. Not that I mind when my friends tell me what is bothering them, but it seems more and more often that they think that is all I am here for: their relief. I suppose I let it happen too often, but then again, that's just the person I am. I bury my own feelings deep inside time and time again, rarely telling them to those who might listen. I hide things from others because I don't want to seem pushy. But that never stops others from "sha
Distractions...breaks in thought. My life is filled with them each and every moment of the day and all I do is sit idly by and let them occur. I'm tiring of it all. I feel sometimes like I want to just run away like I had planned to do nearly a year ago. It all seemed so simple then. Just pack up the car, some spending money, and go. No worries. No problems. No bills. No distractions. Just a tour across to somewhere new. In time, I may become like that again. This job is wonderful but my mind thrills even now to the prospect of going somewhere and doing something new. Meeting new people, seeing new things; things I've only heard and read about. I want to go. I'll need to go someday. For now, I must stay and recover my debts. As in the past, once I have some money saved, I'll probably end up quitting this job. I'm saying that now because I know it will happen. I need to accomplish as many things as I can before this life is over. It is an unfortunate truth for anyone near me. Even today I've thought about moving somewhere. Somewhere west -- very west. Seattle. It sounds great. Rain nine months of the year. My kind of place. I never liked rain before Terra though. Actually, I never thought about it at all. I always found it odd that it always rained when we were together. Perhaps its just a fond rememberance everytime it rains. I think of her. A lot. I've considered writing her so many times, but I've always dismissed the idea. I wonder if perhaps if I ever did, would my life come to order once again? Even if perhaps she had just said good bye to me then, my life would never have spiraled downward in the first place. How could I have let her go without a fight? Fool! Because you said you wouldn't. I told her (or rather her parents that if the time ever came where she felt as if we should see other people, I would let her go. Then I always meant that we would see each other still as well, but things worked out differently. I should write to her. What would I say? How could I keep myself from getting sentimental about things? I know that would happen. It all would come out sounding like "Ha! My life is just fine without you!" That would be wrong. My life isn't just fine without her. My life is wrong because it's without anyone. I keep thinking in my life I'm going to run into the physical manifestation of that girl I saw in my dream so long ago. My dreams hold so much a part of my life I pay attention to them. Even last night I had a dream where I remember a phone number which I may even call one day. 477-6888. I think that is what it was. I had an odd laugh when I thought that it might be Erin's. Even now I think it would be an odd twist of reality if it were. That number is burned into my mind now forever and I don't think I'll ever let it go until the day comes when I call it. I don't recal ever seeing it anywhere, but It must be real. I'm not even sure if the call is local or not. I suppose I could check easily. Hold on. The phone disk! Its come down to this now: searching like a deranged madman for her phone number. Perhaps she was lying when she said she didn't feel like she was being stalked. In effect, that is what I just did. If I only new her father's first name, I would now know where she lives. Saddenning that I have now come down to this. Is my heart so lonely I would blow up the only present chance I may have with someone on impulses alone? I must take things calmly and with a grain of salt. Everything I do right lasts for a moment in my mind blissfully. Everything wrong that I do torments me with regret. Can I do nothing to stop myself from feeling like this? Most likely not. It is just who I am. But that number. Its still haunting me sitting there in print. I hope one day to call it, even if only on a whim. What the hell, it couldn't hurt. Who knows who, if anyone, lies at the other end of that line? It could be anyone. It could be an old man who hates prank callers. It could be a family; a lonely woman, a business, or another person in the same situation as myself. Perhaps even there is someone out there who had a dream last night with the number 228-6406 flashed at them. Perhaps they too are sitting at home right now deciding whether or not to call it. It could be my soul mate lingering out there with my same fears of ambitions and not finding a friend to turn to. I know this is sounding crazy, but then again, so is life. Tomorrow I will call it if I remember. Its intriguing now to say the least. I've also wondered if there are others out there who have seen or come up with the symbol as well. Anne and I stared at each other with amazement as we looked at the symbol together. I must go now...revelation on the symbol. The two swirls embody so much more than just to shapes. I am seeing them now as two hands curved and touching tips of fingers. Will return tomorrow.
Good bye for now.
2-5-95
Nearly one full year and I'm still stuck in the same rut I was in a full year ago. All I have now is my job, but even that is becoming empty for me. I said so long ago that it wouldn't matter if I had no job, no money, no one to love, my writing would be the love of my life. I was a fool to believe it then because it surely isn't true now. Its been so long since I've had someone in my life and I miss it. I'm at the point that whoever is the next to show me just a little bit of love, I will fall head over heels for them. Perhaps that is what happened with Erin. There was something about her I saw as different, and I wanted so desperatly to have a chance to see it a little more clearly. From the moment I first met her I set out to look for something beyond her beauty; surely there was more. In time, though I can't put my finger on it, I thought I found it. There was a warmth in her eyes I had never seen in anyone before, and the longer I looked into them, the more they pulled me in. I feel foolish each time I walk pass her and see her talking to someone and then I become jealous. I have no reason to, but it happens nonetheless. My heart is open to anyone who is willing enough to reach out to it. I thought she had and so I gave a piece of it away to her as I have given it to so many others before. I think of her in the day time when I see her, or even catch the scent of her perfume in the air. At night, I dream of her, dream of holding her, walking with her, talking, all the things I cannot do by day. I say to myself, "Forget her, it will only cause you more pain," but try as I may, I start thinking of her all over again.
Thinking of You
I walk through the halls by day, your perfume lingering in the air, and I think of you. Someone whispers your name in the corner of my mind and I think of you. By night, thoughts of you haunt me, smiling at me, walking with me, only just thinking of you. They fill my heart with happiness, replaced with sorrow when I wake, Because all that I may do is just think of you.
That was unfortunate. I haven't written poetry for so very long and it scares me to think that it is starting to happen again. I only write lines when I'm depressed and it is the one true sign that I am. For once though, I can say that that one might actually be good. My hands write only what my heart feels is right, and that feels right. It feels more right than anything I've written in a long time. Now I need to sleep.
Good by for now.
2-6-95
My mind races with a thousand thoughts of her. I keep wanting to hold back my hand from writing the lines my heart is aching to write. I can't write these things, its not going to get me anywhere. The only thing that it will do is make me more upset and cause me to think more about something and someone that will never be. One day happens and I think I have done everything wrong, and another comes, and something feels right. I feel right. I need to know if she feels right too, or...I don't know. I guess what I said yesterday has already happened. The one person who HAS shown me even the slightest interest has caused me to start to fall head over heels. I've been without love for so very long, I'm afraid that I'm falling into it too easily again. I don't want it to happen quickly, but the time its taking already is killing me. I can't think to write, to drive, to read, every thought is becoming her. I force myself to walk pass her desk just to say hello, steal a candy, just to see her smile. She has these little candy hearts on her desk and I took them all day, one here and there. She finally smiled and said that I kept stealing them. I told her that if that was the only way I could steal her heart, I would do it. She smiled and said I was good at it as I walked away. Things like this make me think that when she smiles up at me and looks through me with those deep blue eyes, no one else gets that smile. That one is just for me. Perhaps this is all just foolish, which makes me a fool for believing it, but it doesn't change the way I feel. I wonder if sometimes that the smile I see is the same she gives everyone else, but I never can tell. I'd have to see it through there eyes and not my own.
Candy Hearts
candy hearts lying there disappearing one by one I take one now and smile as you call me a thief in jest if only your real heart were as easy to steal
2-7-95
Can it be that I left off on such a somber note yesterday? Perhaps it was the topic which inspired me to jump into story instead. Once again I may be reading too much into things, but I have asked her to be my outside voice and critic of my work with Symbols. She has said to me time and again how my word are good, often speaking how she wishes she could do the same. So I asked if when a chapter or two is complete if she would read. She is the only one who truly encourages my work. I only fear that my heart is running away with me once again in asking her to do this favor for me. I must make it a point to not change myself or my writing to cause her feelings to change. Change is an awful thing in some cases and this it would be. My writing is who I am. I should not change it for anything in the world and I don't think that I could for that matter. Darias himself breathes within me. Rhiannon has touched my heart in many different forms. Basilius is my darkest side and for that reason refuses to show himself in the light. Nerian lives in obscurity, a constant contradiction at times, but is the key to a fun-loving nature. Kalil is wisdom, knowledge passed down through generations to the next so that the same mistakes will not be repeated. They all live within me in some way and just need to find their own path to follow out. Darias is more a part of me than I think I am a part of me. He is alone in the world and has few people to call Friend. He lives in his valley, segregated from all that is in the world both by choice and by alienation at once. He wants no part of what happens in the lives of ordinary people or the reverie that the trive in. His days are spent in his valley, tending his garden and caring for a small herd of quiltain. Though the antics of the playfull creatures entertain him, he still longs for someone at his side. There alone is the reason for Rhiannon. She possesses all of the best qualities of every woman I have known. Her every movement is graceful and carefully metered. Her temper is quick and short. Her shimmering green eyes look within you and search out your heart. Her hair is a flame which seems hotter than a thousand suns. Her mind is in many ways equal to his, though she does not show it or will not. Her heart.....at some times it seems touchable, attainable, but yet somehow, for some reason, it pulls away.
Resting
Resting now in my dreams, I can close my eyes and see you Lying asleep on your pillow. Your slumber is peaceful, Thoughts of me trouble you not. But my sleep is not so. I think of you as I drift off to rest, Walking with you while I sleep, Only to think of you when I wake. Oh that you slept not so restfully, And that I am wrapped in your dreams As much as you live in mine.
