February 8
From my brain
Contents |
2009
Me 20:37, 8 February 2009 (EST)
Ah, the perennial post. Here it comes.
I'm a real joy to be around lately. With somewhere around 40 people being laid off last Friday, the Project from Hell (as always) in a never-ending spiral, and Chrissy trying to cheer me up...is there a wonder why I'm in a shitty move on the eve of being 34?
I keep second-guessing my relationships with friends, and wondering if something really is wrong that I've done to them to upset them. I wonder if a conversation turned sour. I wonder if I didn't listen to them properly (which is definitely true in some cases). Or, I wonder if they're just those private kind of people who don't share what's up with them. Possibly though, I wonder if I'm just sad, mopey, and pathetic while I grumble about my whoa-is-me life. Who the hell wants to have a conversation with someone who's inconsolable?
I really can't shake this lately. I mean, look below and you can see pretty clearly this isn't just me lately being in a funk. I've been trying for two to three years to find a way out of ThePit. There's no easy out. There's not even a moderately difficult out. There's a family to provide for to (barely) put food on the table, (occasionally) pay the bills / rent for, and help them do a few extra things.
My skills are shit to a point that those crap-ass "We'll train you to be our sales consultant!" jobs are the only thing I'm qualified for at this pay rate. School is out of the question. The idiocy of the Project from Hell completely and totally exhausts me. (I tried to get that through while having a conversation with Chrissy about my dissatisfaction, but I don't think she got it.)
Last night, I was venting a bit to Heather about it (pardon for quoting ya hon, but my ChatlogEnabler is kinda always running):
- I think you do an amazing job at getting up every day and going to the pit to support your family. I've been in your position, and you start to think there's something wrong with you because your brain is putting up so much resistance towards work. But really it's like a fight between your brain which knows you need money and your heart which knows how much you hate it. It's really anxiety provoking to do a suck job at a job you know you are ok at and be like "wtf is wrong with me?" Answer: your job is shitty and there's nothing wrong with you.
- My friend Chrissy just can't get it. She keeps trying to help me find "the passion" for my work again.
- Hehe, nope. It's gone
- I told her, I've been trying to do that for two years....I've completely run out of steam.
- It's not coming back. You just have to do what you have to do until you can change things. And unfortunately, you might not be able to change things that soon.
One thing I have to look forward to this week is that from our evaluations week before last, it's a mandate that the personal goals section is filled in. VCS isn't allowed to turn it in without that done.
Wifey and I discussed it...and I'm going to fill it out honestly. I'm going to say that my long term goals are to build up Java, PHP, and HTML skills. I'd like to pickup C++/C#. For the short term, I want to work toward more application development and interface design for decision making processes. I'd like to move in toward SAP with the application / front end developer skills in mind.
Are these things what is actually going to happen within my job role? Hell no. I'm sorry if they want me to produce something on that sheet that's inline with the company's goals, but that's the problem in a nutshell. This is not the company I used to work for. It's long-since changed from that, but I've become to complacent in it being "safe" for me to stay at.
My family and I rely on safe to pay the bills. I hope my happiness and mental state can survive the way until something else equally safe but fulfilling comes along.
2008
Me 08:10, 8 February 2008 (EST)
On one hand, I'm still a bit bummed about the shattering of yesterday's optimism. On the other hand, looking over at the two posts below...damn. I'm just depressing.
2007
Me 09:39, 8 February 2007 (EST)
Dragging myself out of bed, dragging myself into the office, dragging myself through the day. I don't want to be here. Not today, not in this physical location, but in this place of employment. It's obviously no secret if you've read more than 10 of my blog entries. It's really slamming down lately though.
It sickens me to hear people talk about work...at work. I mean, that's where they should be doing it, right? But to hear people discuss where equipment shortages are, that they need a trailer booked from the container yard, that the numbers "aren't coming out right" (and the whole why's of that), makes me turn up the volume on my headphones. I'm going to go deaf.
That feeling of dread to come into your employment shouldn't exist. This isn't 1984, and my employer sure isn't THAT bad, but damn if I don't have empathy with Winston right now.
Me 13:45, 8 February 2007 (EST)
Okay, there's no way to introduce this well, and it's mostly for some in-game friends. So here it is....
2004
Me 23:29, 08, February 2004 (EDT)
Considering tomorrow morning around 11:35 begins a count-down timer set at 365 days, there are a few things that I won't accomplish by 30.
Mind you, it's not the fear of getting older, it's the not accomplishing anything toward some of these PRIOR TO getting older...
A college degree
Fucked that one up nicely. Torn in the middle of three different things now in life, I can barely figure out what I want to do to pay bills much less what to start going to school for.
Finish the book.
After all, that's why I quit school in the first place. Working for the Overlords (seemingly) killed any sense of creativity at the time. Or, was it that it just wasn't the right time to try to do the book?
Get anywhere at The Pit
(Ceraun's term, but I'll borrow.) As days go by, I increasingly find that nothing is going to change except for the worst. I've tried the lower rungs of the ladder as well as the higher rungs, and haven't gotten dick. By the end of this month, I'll have had six fucking years experience at this job, and have nothing to show for it -- not team leader, and sure as hell not manager.
Get the restaurant started.
What a fucking joke. I have absolutely no clear idea on how to go about this. Not to mention, other than my father's advice, I have no means of getting things going. I sit and grow ever-more-depressed every FoodTV show where someone's talking about their small business, "It's a real family operation." I have no one who'd help me out in this, and have no credit/knowledge/overdrive to get it started.
Pick a fucking career
I left high school with my career goals screwed on straighter than at least 80% of my classmates. I was going to DeVry and be a programmer after three short years. See #1 and #2 as to that not happening because of these ideas of becoming an "author". Then, I go to work at a job -- out of hunger mostly -- which winds up sucking me into being a programmer again. Once I can't stand being a programmer any more (see issues at #3), I get this cornball idea (see #4) to somehow become a baker/restauranteur. Now, I'm equally drawn to all three and none seem wholly worthwhile.
I'm really growing tired of the lack of direction. It angers me all at once depressing me. It almost has nothing to do with my birthday at all, other than the birthday causing me to reflect. Then again, I'm usually too introspective anyway.
Tomorrow I'll go into work, there'll probably be a card -- God-forbid some decorations. Regardless, I'll be happy ol' Perv, doing what I always do in life.
Holding it in, nodding and smiling.
