January 19
From my brain
Contents |
2009
Me 14:05, 19 January 2009 (EST)
Friday was just an appetizer of an especially sucktacular weekend.
Friday
In addition to all that happened throughout the day that started out with an evening of -25 wind chills, I'm driving home cresting over a hill the car acts like it's stalling. I was about a mile from home and had been driving for awhile, so it's not like car wasn't "warmed up". Of course, once that happened, I get to add to the adrenaline panic by staring at the Check Engine light. Once I got home, I turned the car off, and tried to start it up again (twice), and it choked, but eventually started. I said screw it and went in the house. (Current theory though is that it was fuel line freeze up...but the check engine light was still on today.)
Saturday Morning
Wifey and MIL were to take TheBoy and Princess to go to see Magic Treehouse: The Musical. I say "were to take" because while [[MIL}] bought the tickets way in advance, Princess refused to go and said instead, "I want to stay home with Poppa {MIL}." Nothing was about to change her mind (and trust me, we tried).
My plan though for the afternoon included doing some dishes (that I didn't do on Friday night), and then a leisurely day of solace playing WoW. After all, it was my name's day, and when you have someone of St. Anthony the Great as your saint, it makes sense you want some solitude.
Well of course though, it was Saturday, so we had TKD in the morning. I only had four hours of sleep due to a rocking fun WoW session the night before, and so I was exhausted. Still, we had a really good workout, and a full class, so it was worth getting up.
We go back to MIL and FIL's (threatening Princess to behave as she skipped ballet due to throwing a fit over not getting a Rice Crispy Treat), and have lunch. Before that though, I'm instructed that we have to get all their Christmas bins up in the crawlspace. Ducking under the truck's removable cover hung in the garage and lifting all the bins did a great job on my back following a work out, but we got it done, ate, and they headed off. I then proceeded to lug all the bins up into the crawlspace.
Saturday Afternoon
My work completed, I look to the prospect of maybe running home, catching a catnap in conjunction with my afternoon solace. I was in the house saying good bye to Princess, and the phone rings. It's my mom. I figured she was antsy to have me come over and pick up the bag of rock salt she had for us. Instead, she says I need to drive her to the chiropractor cuz she did something to her back / neck. "Sometime between now {2pm} and four."
I sighed, and resigned myself to the couch to wait. I started to feel tired and decided, what the hell, and lay down. Princess came over at one point, kissed my closed eyes and said, "Daddy? You sleepin'?" "Gonna try to baby." "OK. You sleep. I play cards with Poppa." I think I managed a half hour or a bit longer before mom called back.
I go, pick her up, question why StepFather couldn't do it (the van is parked in an empty garage and too far for him and his bad leg to walk to...and I was there), and we head off. Get to the chiro, and she's back there for 5-10 mins before they call me back. Apparently her blood pressure was high -- 196 / 110 -- and that combined with light-headed, and a shaky right hand, the chiro was freaked out. Granted, I'm glad he was shy of doing an adjustment if he wasn't cool with someone's general health, but the problem? He had a hypochondriac in his office and made a fatal error: he gave a potential diagnosis. And that potential diagnosis? "Your mom may have had a mini-stroke."
O
M
G!
So, if her BP wasn't bad before, it was bad now especially since my grandmother had several strokes, the last one killing her. She was freaked, we went back to their house to check with her boss as to what their crappy insurance covers...and tell StepFather. From there, we head off to the E.R....with StepFather in tow.
So proceeds three and a half hours in the backwoods hospital of the Columbus Metro Area: Doctor's West. I hated going to that place. It's a mix government-supplemented apartment masses and retiree farmers. Not that I don't have relatives or myself in some of them, but yeesh to see them all huddled in an E.R. waiting room is just plain scary sometimes. For example:
- {Enter man in 20s pushing a second man in a wheel chair. Man in chair has a large, long towel wrapped around his foot, and is holding the end of it so his foot is off the ground}
- Nurse: OK, so what happened?
- {Cannot hear man in chair, loud waiting area.}
- Nurse: OK, you shot your self in the foot. With what?
- {Again, can't hear response.}
- Nurse: OK, and did the bullet go clean through?
- {Again, can't hear response.}
- Nurse: OK then, come this way.
Woman with potential stroke? Sure, that's a big deal. Redneck who shot his dumbass self in the foot, speed-track to the top of the list.
Anyway, we finally get her back there, and they inform her they're going to a "complete work up" and that includes a chest x-ray.....and a CT scan. Understand here that my mother is fairly claustrophobic, and so this FREAKED her out more than "stroke". The did the x-ray, and she was fine. Then, they put in the IV. Take her back for the CT once...no go. Come back, put some anti-anxiety drugs into her, and let her sit. She goes back...and nopers again.
By the end of the evening, tests done, drugs administered, several checks on her BP they tell her...she needs to probably start taking blood pressure meds. Three hours, and, "Hey, you got high blood pressure." Thanks doc.
Here's the thing though, she's been getting VERY upset lately because -- as usual -- StepFather ain't doing JACK around the house. He doesn't work. He doesn't clean. He doesn't cook for himself even. Mom works. Takes care of the storage site. Makes him lunch. Makes him dinner. The whole bit...and he gives her shit if the house / dinner isn't done.
In the car ride home, she told him off, prefacing it with, "Now, I don't want any yelling from either of the two of you. Promise me that?" I knew where she was going. "Things have to change. I have to have some help. I can't do it all myself. You {StepFather} have to start helping me around the house. I can't work and clean and cook all the time."
I said nothing. I can't say anything any more. I've been saying it all for the last 14 years, and I've got nothing more to say about it.
Anyway, following that, I was just...spent. However, there was still guild night. That was a great way to save my sanity by throwing myself into the game and the craziness that is one of my in-game races. Still, by the end of the night, I started to sink back into a funk, and went to bed around 1am (early for a Saturday).
Sunday
Church was fine, coffee hour was tasty, but I was still in that funk. Put it this way, it got so bad, that without asking, I just started cleaning up for the lady who'd done coffee hour that day. Washed out her plates, collected some garbage, the whole bit. I don't even do that at home! (I was totally waiting for Wifey to make that comment.)
We go home, and I sentence Princess to her bedroom (she was an absolute TERROR during church), and TheBoy as well because he's (again) dumped all his Legos on the floor. Wifey heads off to grocery shopping and I...play some WoW. I just mostly did some quests. Nothing special. Some lore perhaps. Was at least relaxing before making dinner.
Dinner was good, and then Wifey and I sit down and start talking about bills while the kids watch TV. What comes down to it was a nice little cap for the weekend: I screwed us over. We're broke as hell right now, and I never turned out the auto-bill pay for the car and the water softener. Right now we're looking at probably having to have cable / phone turned off for a few days as a result.
After the kids were put to bed, I'm still in the funk, only more so. I know Wifey was kind of thinking we'd sit and watch a little TV (more? I dunno, but at least we've gotten back to that since the Zejan trial), but I just needed to go and sit alone for a bit. So, I went down and sanded TheBoy's pine wood derby car and watched Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Mindless humor FTW.
And then of course...I stayed up until 12:30 to play WoW. Stupid, I know. Tired, I am. But it's better than tossing and turning all night.
Damn this was a long post just to say, "What a shitty weekend I had."
2007
Me 07:11, 19 January 2007 (EST)
- Lt. Col. Andrew Tanner: All that anger son. It's gonna burn you up inside.
- Robert Morris: Keeps me warm.
This whole situation with Wifey losing her job is beginning to eat me up inside.
I went to bed way early last night, like immediately after putting TheBoy to bed. I didn't touch WoW at all yesterday even. I had the most amazing clarity of mind once I woke up. Sure, my body is sore, but that's because our bed sucks. But I wasn't befuddled and gray because I only had 4-5 hrs of sleep the night before.
While in the shower, panic struck me as I realized that the mortgage was scheduled to go through. I had scheduled it last Saturday when we were all-but-sure that she still had a job. Even once the hammer fell, I was still confident because they said they'd be mailing her check. Yesterday we found out they did...and cut her a live check.
So, what got deposited today was purely my check which only barely covers the mortgage. I try to log on to Countrywide's web site, and it's down for the day. Can't reschedule. I wake Wifey up a bit more (TheBoy had woke up briefly while I was on the computer), and told her to make sure as soon as they got up that they went and deposited that check. The last thing we need right now is an insufficient funds charge.
I finished getting ready, made my breakfast and headed off to work. No ice on the windows, just a light dusting of snow. It wasn't even enough to sweep off. I got in, let the car warm up for a bit, said grace, drove off, and started eating my Toaster Strudels. I normally say my morning prayers first, but when I have a breakfast that's going to get cold too quickly (like the Toaster Strudels), I eat first, and then prayers.
After I finished eating, I started thinking about The Situation. With this much clarity in my head, a lot of stuff came out (point in blog entry time note: take your Mucinex now...speaking of "stuff coming out"). By the time I was just nearing the point where if I don't start the morning prayers I won't finish by the time I get to the office, I was in the middle of a fantasy rant of, Oh yeah? You want to take her back for another part-time position? Only for $20 an hour!
I realized where I was, turned the corner at the stop sign, and began. I crossed myself...and I stalled. I couldn't remember the prayers. The same prayers I've been saying every morning on the way to work for over two years now and...nothing. They would not come. I started over. Nothing. After another five minutes of open-eyed wonder at this, I gave up and started thinking about what was going on in my head.
This anger is consuming me from within. I don't know how to get over it. The disloyalty issued to Lawgirl and Wifey has just been devastating. Sure, Lawgirl got a good deal, but still, after twelve years, they just show you the door? Why am I here?
I have a lot more to say on this, mostly because I spent an hour yesterday in our AVP of HR's office yesterday venting to her about this. She's both a friend AND a higher up in the company, so it was a very interesting dance of a conversation.
But I gotta get some stuff done this morning. I'll post on that later.
Me 09:11, 19 January 2007 (EST)
I dropped a note to a friend. We'll see if she gets a chance to respond.
Me 10:38, 19 January 2007 (EST)
Also, LOL...Limited Edition Barbie Dolls:Greater Columbus Area.
Me 14:16, 19 January 2007 (EST)
Kat responded already. This is why I like being friends with her (even if it's just in a silly game).
/planning
2004
Me 23:01, 19, January 2004 (EDT)
Spegni le candele! (Blow out the candles!)
Two things here:
First, this is now the third revision of the look of me blog ("Oh, it's all for me blog..."). I change my blog like my mother rearranges furniture.
Also, this will be the first of the Italian Phrase of the Day. (I got a new daily desk calendar.) Now, that's not to say I'm going to be dilligent about putting them up, but if something strikes a cord, it'll be here.
And... Here's some that were missed, but still of useful mention:
Felice Annno Nuovo! (Happy New Year)
Benvenuti alla festa! (Welcome to the Party!)
Comicina uno nova epoca. (It's the start of a new era.)
Ti va di uscire? (Do you feel like going out?)
Possiblimente. (Possibly.)
Mi piace l'inverno. (I like winter.)
Il tempo é freddo (The weather is cold.)
Ho perso il mio guanto. (I lost my glove.)
Andiamo a pattinare sul ghiaccio! (Let's go ice-skating!)
Dammi l mano! (Give me your hand!)
Non cadere! (Don't fall!)
Che hai sognato stanotte? (What did you dream of last night?) FOR PROT!!!!!!!</B>
Sei proprio un idealista! (You're such an idealist(m.)!)
Va da sé. (It goes without saying.)
1995
life is about dealing with things as they're thrown at you. Nevermind worrying about what will happen next, it will happen anyway. But you have to be there to let it happen. Running away from life and its ups and downs is like trying to run away from yourself. Life surrounds us and connects us together. Separation from our lives is like separation for trying to retreat from those around us. This babble is getting nowhere. Ideas just aren't coming. The same thoughts are just reworded and repeated over and over to infinity. Is that all I can do? Just rehashing the old thoughts for eternity will just cause me to be stuck in the same rut. I'll never be able to climb out of it unless I change my thinking. Changing my thinking doesn't or at least shouldn't have to mean changing myself. To thine own self be true. And as surely as the night follows day and the morning the night thou canst not be false to any man. I cannot change myself or the reader were lose faith in the words I write and can see that is is not me. I am my writing as much as it is a part of me. I breath it in my waking hours. I dream it in the night. It lives and breathes with me. Concentration and self-examination is the key. I must look into the deep recesses of things I have tried to forget. Pain is as great a source of inspiration as love. Pain after love is left is inspiration is the key to everything. Your senses are heightened, every emotion is felt at once with blinding speed and persistence. There is no way to hold back the flood when the heart dam is broken. The heart holds back the things you are too prideful to admit or too fearful to say. We sensor ourselves day in and out by listening to a fearful heart. If somehow we could lock onto the pain of the broken heart we could go through our days with so much more peace and tranquility. Speaking what our heart would rather not say would release our anxiety about what is to come. Perhaps I started this in the right manner. Listening to our heartfelt fear is like running away from ourselves. We are holding back that which is who we are. We are our dreams, our fears, our pride; everything at once. Find a way to let out that in one solid emotion scares the death out of people and in someway it should.
