March 9
From my brain
Contents |
2009
Me 06:14, 9 March 2009 (EDT)
I just don't know who I am any more. For the better part of the last month I've existed in three basic states.
- The haze of coming out of pain meds (of whatever sort, Advil, Tylenol, Percocet) and wondering if I can make it.
- Pain of some level making me grunt at weird moments...even though things should be over?
- Caving in to the pain and taking the pain meds, whereupon -- especially if it's the Perc -- I slip into an extreme haze and I'm barely present in the room.
There is a fourth state too, but that's just plain out sleeping. I can't take it any longer. It's driving me absolutely insane. I don't know where I am, what I'm doing, and it's got me completely numb to everything.
Not everything though. I know it's affecting my relationships. I'm not there for my family. Wifey has born the brunt of this for the most part. She's taking care of the kids. She's taking care of the home. She's taking care of me. Hell, she's even taking care of the Scout den half (3/4?) of the time. It's not fair to her in the least.
It's affecting my friendships too, and those are even people trying to help. One friend has had kidney stones, and is the main one who's gotten it into my head to knock of the Percocet. His advice though about the pain lingering on for him during his stones doesn't add up with what the doctor is saying though, so I don't know how to just bear the pain. A second friend is also reminding me about how much craziness my body has had with acetaminophen (both in Percocet and Tylenol), so those shouldn't be too heavily relied on. Then of course there is my third friend, who's been dealing with a recurring chronic pain that's flared up for the last two solid months. She makes me feel like a wimp (unintentionally mind you) because she's just been pressing forward, grinning and bearing it. I don't know how she does it, but I admire the hell out of her for her strength.
Maybe that's what I comes down to I guess. Weakness. I don't like feeling weak. Maybe you can call that my only real fear in life. I'm not afraid of heights, spiders, or anything like that. What I don't like is having to depend on a substance of any sort to "keep me going". I definitely don't like the fact that something has me shackled down right now.
The pain lingering on my side is just not normal. I don't care what anyone says. Not three weeks later. OK, fine, I passed three kidney stones, and I would have more than expected pain/discomfort in the ureter/urethra area, but that's not there. The only time that was there was when someone shoved a scope up there, and then later on gave me some meds that caused me to not be able to pee for 24hrs. That was proper pain that I would expect. This thing in the side feels like something else.
I'm calling the doctor now that I've gotten this all down here.
2008
Me 17:46, 9 March 2008 (EDT)
Forgiveness Sunday, also called Cheesefare Sunday, is the final day of pre-Lent. It is the Sunday after Meatfare Sunday and the Sunday before the Sunday of Orthodoxy.
On this last Sunday before Great Lent, the last day that traditionally Orthodox Christians eat dairy products until Easter, the Church remembers the expulsion of Adam and Eve from Paradise. God commanded them to fast from the fruit of a tree (Gen. 2:16), but they did not obey. In this way Adam and Eve and their descendants became heirs of death and corruption.
On Forgiveness Sunday many attend Forgiveness Vespers on the eve of Great Lent. They hear on the Lord's teaching about fasting and forgiveness and enter the season of the fast forgiving one another so that God will forgive them. If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your heavenly Father forgive you your trespasses (Matthew 6:14).
The Gospel reading of the day also gives advice on fasting:
- Moreover, when you fast, do not be like the hypocrites, with a sad countenance. For they disfigure their faces that they may appear to men to be fasting. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. But you, when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you do not appear to men to be fasting, but to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. (Matthew 6:16-18).
Me 21:50, 9 March 2008 (EDT)
On a complete turnaround from the previous post, I'm gonna talk about Sunday Night Date Night.
We don't go anywhere special. We don't necessarily order in / go out for food. Sure, it usually ends up with us getting frisky, but the point of it all is for us to spend time with each other without the kids (read: they're asleep). This originally involved staying up to watch The 4400, but it's since evolved into whatever is on the DVR. Once we're sure the kids are out, and once the show is over (sometimes not), then the lights dim a bit and some fun time begins.
I gotta admit. I've been randy as hell lately. Sure, we've been working hard on the house. The stress of it is driving us to a breaking point physically as well as mentally. Work sucks as always. And then there's still Tae Kwon Do and Scouts on top of it all. Even so, Date Night is Date Night.
Not tonight.
I had high hopes too for...*ahem*...some reciprocal action due to a suggestive comment from her. Woo hoo! So, I work at getting the downstairs bathroom fixed (at least I got ONE toilet in working order this weekend), I clean the toilet there, clean the sink, and pack up all my tools / leftover parts (they honestly gave extra). I head upstairs (she'd put the kids down solo so I could finish downstairs), and I realize that the day has taken it's toll on her.
I gave a little smirk to ask if she was gonna take a shower (i.e. "Wanna join me?"), and she says no, she was just gonna sit and read for a bit. I take my shower, clean places up extra well...just in case. I enter the bedroom...and she's damn near passed out.
Yeah, I'm tired too. I'm exhausted. But how about a little Mommy/Daddy time?
*sigh*
2007
Me 07:46, 9 March 2007 (EST)
- Quit WoW at a reasonable time (using parental controls)? Check
- Go straight to bed? Check
- Set alarm? Check
- Fall asleep reasonably quickly? Check
- Wake up in the middle of the night thinking you didn't set the alarm, flick the switch in the opposite position which it's in? Check
- Wake up at 6:45 for a job you're supposed to be arrive at 6am? CHECK
- Have to leave at 2:30 that day (half hour early) for a test to see if you have a tumor? Check
- Playing ITunes playlist titled "Anger" You betcha!
Me 08:04, 9 March 2007 (EST)
And holy crap, I've been putting up with this shit for three years?
This morning I put on my first dosage of the Testrim. The gel is just as nasty as I thought it would be, and it has the lovely sent of smelling like rubbing alcohol. I take my shower, towel off my shoulders, rub on my man-juice, and by the time I brush my teeth, it's dry enough for me to put my shirt on. It still smells like ass.
I'll have the complete info later (gotta email Wifey) but among my T levels being low, I also have low Cortisol levels. I googled a bit today to see what articles I could find on low cortisol and this one just blew me over:
- Cortisol is a powerful steroid released to "activate" your body in times of stress. You need cortisol to "pump you up"' to meet all the daily challenges of life. 'Without it you'd have no motivation to even get out of bed in the morning!
- Low cortisol levels are the consequence of adrenal exhaustion or the exhaustion phase of the stress response.
So, if my cortisol is low...guess what? I get in a half hour to an hour (or today, hour-and-half) late every day!
I've been running on adrenaline caused by my imbalance of anger for so long now, it's not really shocking then if my cortisol levels are low.
Me 14:26, 9 March 2007 (EST)
So, in about five minutes I'll be leaving for the MRI to make sure I don't have a tumor on my pituitary. I can completely admit it's freaking me out far more than it probably ought to, but it's not really changing the fact that I am freaking out. "It'll be okay," comes from even the most casual acquaintances that I've shared it with, but it's not over until they say, "The MRI came out clean."
That takes 3-5 days. Yay.
2004
Me 17:48, 09, March 2004 (EDT)
Scusa se t'interrompo...
- Excuse me for interrupting.
Me 18:25, 09, March 2004 (EDT)
Anger vs. Small Acts of Heroism
It's all about self control today. I will put a fist neither through any inanimate object nor any person. The first does not deserves such treatment, and while there are many candadates who WOULD deserve that treatment in the second, I can repress my anger (as I always do).
For those that know me, I am not inherently angry. Occasionally quite bitter, often opinionated, currently bored/irritated with all of my life (save for my wife and child(ren)), but not truly angry. Today however (and another day a few months ago), I'm angry. That angry like "people don't like me when I get angry"-angry. I'm recalling a bit of the Bill Moyer's/Joseph Campbell interview "The Power of Myth":
- But a man said to me once after years of standing on the platform of the subway, "I die a little bit down there every day, but I know I am doing so for my family." There are small acts of heroism, too, that occur without regard to the notoriety that you attract for it.
I guess that's part of what's plaguing me right now. This place is killing me. Other than the friends which I have made (and wife met) through it, I hate nearly everything it has done to me. It has trained me to be its employee. Here, I'm damn near indispensible. However, outside of this place, I have next to no skills at all.
Zej at this point will bring up his brainchild idea from last night (which I'll let him expound on to those who he wants to involve). While it has it's merits, still, I'm not wholly - or even 50% - convinced I even want to continue in an IT related career. As it was during H.S.: I was good at math. Hated it, but was good at it, so it got tacked on as a major. Looked good to the quasi-college I went to (DeVry).
The restaurant/bakery idea is now a pipe-dream to perhaps do when I'm in my fifties. I do not have the managerial know-how, nor the monetary resources to pull it off right now. I have come to grips with that.
Which brings us full circle to the glories of this place. I can't work second shift for much longer. Additionally, I cannot change to first shift as Wifey works first, and it's HIGHLY doubtful they'd find her a second shift position. So, if I move to first shift, I must encompass not only my current income, but also hers, plus a decent percentage (roughly 7-8%) over and above that to truly warrant a job move. Again, in with regards to outside job requirements, I have next to no skills at all.
The thing at Cornerstone is still beckoning me. I want it. I can smell it. Can't touch or taste it yet. Not right now. Perhaps in a year it may be within my grasp, but right now, it just isn't going to work out.
- I die a little bit down there every day, but I know I am doing so for my family.
