October 1
From my brain
Contents |
2008
Me 07:47, 1 October 2008 (EDT)
To things about a blog set up such as I have.
On one hand, it shows you where you were a year ago. It's kind of helpful to show you the conflicts that had gone on in your life and you think now how you've overcome them. You can see places where you've patched things up with people and where sometimes you've just had to move on. It's really rewarding in that aspect.
On the other hand...it shows you that you're still stuck exactly where you're at. It shows you that you're still trying to get out of situations you're in. It shows you places you've made absolutely not headway and the prospect of getting out of them in another year seems dismal at best.
That part is depressing as hell. (More on the interview later...back to the Project from Hell.)
Me 09:21, 1 October 2008 (EDT)
Yeah, I know it's old, but it's a bit of what I'm feeling...
2007
Me 08:07, 1 October 2007 (EDT)
So, here we are. A full year into my life taking it's downward spiral. Where am I at?
I've patched up things with my Dad for the most part. He's stopped through a couple of times en route to his next stop (doing over-the-road trucking again), and the visits have been nice. We exchanged a couple of emails here and there as well. Never really talked about the issues of a year and a day ago however beyond those initial emails.
As for my brother and my sister-in-law, I've never made much headway there. Talked to my brother briefly last Thanksgiving (or was it Christmas?), exchanges some pleasantries, but that was all. I just sent them a quick Happy Anniversary email, so maybe that will be a good icebreaker. We're going to be up in NY for Thanksgiving this year, so maybe we can sit down and talk then (maybe I can go out with my brothers and have a few drinks).
As for Me personally? I still don't know who / what I'm all about. The testosterone levels are still up in the air (I really have to get in for that blood test), though my emotions have been mostly stable (thank God!). I'm working ardently on getting the hell out of here (more on that in a minute), but I'm still not anywhere near Utopic Happiness in my life.
On the job front, yesterday we went on the Down Syndrome Buddy Walk for like the third year running (the kids and MIL walked for us last year while we were at the wedding). The family we went with was a guy who used to work here in our IT department, but quit several months ago.
I told him of all the stuff going on (some he'd heard of through the grapevine, other things he hadn't), and I mentioned QSI and Synergy. He'd heard of both and said if they didn't work out, let him know because he has three or four headhunters that he can put me in touch with.
Once we left the Walk, I got to thinking: Why wait to see if they'll pan out or not? Might as well get the ball rolling now. I'm at 30 days for my due date to get out of here: October 31st is my anniversary with the company.
The deadline approaches swiftly.
Me 22:24, 1 October 2007 (EDT)
- You're not dying, you just can't think of anything else better to do.
I feel like I'm dying though. Called in dead to work. Must sleep now.
2006
Me 20:52, 1 October 2006 (EDT)
This morning I woke up around 7:30, tossed and turned, and got up to go pee and get dressed. Dad was snoring away like a buzzsaw, so I proceeded to put on the clothes that I had set out the night before. We packed up all but one change of clothes and the toiletries bag, and then put everything else in the van. We tiptoed around, gathered up everything else, and left while he still slept. I left this note on the table as we walked out:
- Pop:
- If you're reading this now, we're on our way back home. I'm sorry I left so early from the reception last night. I thought I was going to be able to handle my feelings about things. I couldn't. Last night was not the time to talk to J. & J. about my feelings about this. Let them have their wedding day, reception, and honeymoon happy as it should be. They don't need to deal with me on this right now. Tell everyone at Nana's that we love them and we were glad to have come up to see them all.
- Love,
- Me.
- If you're reading this now, we're on our way back home. I'm sorry I left so early from the reception last night. I thought I was going to be able to handle my feelings about things. I couldn't. Last night was not the time to talk to J. & J. about my feelings about this. Let them have their wedding day, reception, and honeymoon happy as it should be. They don't need to deal with me on this right now. Tell everyone at Nana's that we love them and we were glad to have come up to see them all.
We took our time coming back home. Wifey did most of the driving. I'm still feeling empty. I'm still not sure how long it will take for my head to adjust itself.
There's more to say, but I'm going to go jump into WoW and loose myself for awhile.
2004
Me 21:13, 01, October 2004 (EDT)
A quiet rant...
It might even be more of a reflective musing even. I'm feeling a a bit torn recently.
Out of habit, work sucks, along with the all the bitching/complaining/symbolic-urinating-in-the-direction-of-management that entails. I'm not viewing any amount of promotion here in any immediate future. I'm not seeing any reason our group is going to be moved into (it's proper place of) the I.T. department.
On the other hand, It's not full-on HATRED that I've been harbouring. Our team has recently come under potential threat of extermination from other developers being brought into the company's departments (DMD - data of mass destruction). Since that knowledge has been laid out before us, we've seeming banded together a bit, and are focusing more on the tasks at hand.
Sure there's still the usual arguements -- or as Ceraun says, "We're not arguing. We're having a discussion." -- but things are a bit more civil. We're feeling a bit less like mindless robots and are rolling up our sleeves now and trying to do the "take care of the whole internal customer" bit.
Oddly enough, it's feeling good. It doesn't feel hokey. It doesn't feel like a bunch of pompous executive bullshiat, where I'm just accepting the pablum being fed me through the company mission statement. I honestly hope that it's not that I'm being changed via exposure to management. Still not being management "officially" myself, I'm increasingly present in meetings where I'm the sole non-manager in the room, but am being called on to make decisions of that level.
As I look through the company employee list, sorted by hire date (there's power in having developed the database yourself) nearly EVERY person hired at and even a good period AFTER me has the title of "Manager", "Director", "Team Leader", or at the very least "Senior" attached to their job title. I don't think I"m really being that petty here about titles. When people come into my team, I'm the one usually asked first "I was wondering. Can we get a report that..." (that's if I'm here; otherwise, they hit up Ceraun). A little recognition wouldn't hurt.
As to recognition, that brings up Thursday. TheEvilOne (again, a title that's having diminished impact within my current mental state) and his boss R. (see previous post). After a conversation, apparently TEO and R decieded that some recognition was necessary toward our group. The recog? Lunch at P.F. Chang's Bistro. Damn fine food. Pricey, but damn fine.
So anyway, during the process of gorging ourselves on a bajillion appetizers, he expounded how the company depends on our group. Basically the fact that we provide the data that either measures actions they've taken, or many cases, helps them decide on the actions to take. It was a very odd meeting being that I didn't see any mirros, and really catch any smoke being blown, nor did I feel it in my rectum later that afternoon.
Was this a snow job? Am I starting to believe this stuff? Was it all for show? I'm really not to certain about dead one way or another. Management can be slimy at times, but the statements from TEO and R. seemed genuine.
Especially shocker of shockers came from TEO: "I just want to backup and reiterate what R. said. You guys are invaluable to the company. There are many places within thsi company which would just not function without the capabilities of your group. And, I have to say," --wait for it-- "I doubt that I would be where I am without the information you guys provide."
- faints*
Granted, I couldn't just slap my hand against the table and say, "Ya damn, straight Skippy!" but by Jove I was feeling it. Sadly, neither Phantom nor Ceraun heard it, being that PF Changs is EXCEEDLINGLY noise, and they were on the other end of the table.
I guess through all of this, I'm still at a difficult point. I still don't see a huge future here. The company is buring itself as it digs deeper and deeper to seek The Bottom Line. That realization alone is what's keeping my monster.com, careerbuilder.com, and every other jobsearch.comma.com account open. Of course, would I REALLY drop this place as things stand now if one of those places happened to pan out?
I don't know right now.
